This weekend

Most people don't know this, but my grandmother is terminally sick. This past weekend I drove ten hours total to be home for less than 24 hours so I could see my mom and grandmother on Mother's Day. I was going home nearly every-other weekend for a few month stretch earlier this year. This is going to start happening again as my grandmother's health worsens.

No one close to me has ever died before, so I am not sure how I am going to handle this situation. I cannot predict my own actions, emotions, or reactions. Hopefully I can hang tough for my family. They don't have to see me deal with it out here.

Sometimes I think that I perpetuate the cycles that happen in my life. This may be a good thing or a bad thing; I'm just not sure.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was about twelve or thirteen. She still deals with her cancer but it is managed fairly well. At twenty-five, I find myself falling into similar patterns. On Mother's day I bought a pack of cigarettes on the ride home, I bought and listened to the new HOLE album, and gave myself a psuedo-chelsea haircut in my bathroom after midnight. It might be safe to say that I didn't handle my life that night but I argue that if those are the worst things that happen, I still might be ahead.

The new HOLE album kind of sucks but as a super-fan, I can't avoid some of its charms. A review pending on my tumblr page, which is severely neglected.

In other news, I may have found an apartment.